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Total Asshole Excuses Himself With Mumbled Apology

Area girl loves Justin Timberlake, cocaine

Underground Rock Band Burns at Earth's Core

Hooters Mascot Crushed to Death by Epic Boobs

Maid service cleans up Detroit

Authentic Ethiopian Restaurant Serves No Food

Dr Seuss’s Dick Extra Coily: A friend of Doc Seuss who has not shared his name
Has recently published “Green Eggs and Shame.”
The book tells a tale which may make Seuss fans sick
By revealing the Doc had a coily dick. Read More

Seeking: The One morpheus@matrix.org

Michael Steele “Gaffe” Proves Genius

When Michael Steele accused Sasha Obama of being anti-Semitic last week, it seemed the RNC chairman had made the political gaffe of the century. Now, it is becoming clear that the comment was all part of an incredibly shrewd political maneuver. Read More

Nation’s Youth Struggling to Develop Cigarette Addiction

UC Berkeley student Alan Shepard has a serious problem. Despite numerous dealings with peer pressure and influences from the media, Shepard has yet to develop a smoking habit. Added Shepard, “Yuck, my fingers smell disgusting. I hope I don’t have to shake hands with anyone for a while.” Read More

Barack Obama Appoints Moses Secretary of State

Despite frequent criticisms of his Middle East policy, President-Elect Barack Obama has taken a brazen step in appointing one of the seminal figures in Judaism today to the highest foreign policy position in the nation. Read More

Congress Celebrates “Bring Your Mistress to Work Day”

Following a 200-year tradition, Congress celebrated its annual “Bring Your Mistress to Work Day” yesterday. Congressmen arrived in style, including Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY), who rolled up to the steps of the Capitol in a limo and emerged with a woman on each arm. Read More

Astronaut Locks Keys Inside Shuttle

In a recent turn of events, Commander Bill Stone has come to the conclusion that he did indeed, lock the shuttle keys inside the rocket. “I knew I had them a second ago,” the commander muttered as he rooted through his pockets. “But I can’t figure out what I did with them. I guess they must be in my other spacesuit.” Read More

College Board Releases SAT Reading Passage Formula

I remember growing up as an (Irish Immigrant/AfricanAmerican/Latino/Navajo/Asian American) child during the (Great Depression/Civil Rights era/war). Back in those days we didn’t have much, just an infinitesimal house in (rural America/the city/Chinatown). Read More

Historical Sell-Out Products

In the 2008 Presidential election, venders turned huge profits by exploiting the image and message of Barack Obama on everything from T-shirts to It’s Time for a Change Diapers. This is nothing new. Fame and social action has been exploited for centuries Read More

PETA Fights Santa’s Use of Reindeers

An orgy of murder.” “A shame to holiday role models everywhere.” “His suit wasn’t always red like that.” These are some of the phrases that People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, or PETA, has used in a string of new advertisements and protests. Read More

Michael Crichton Preserved in Amber

Influential science fiction writer Michael Crichton will be preserved in amber, sources close to the Crichton family said yesterday. Read More