Area Man Can Turn Food Into Poop

Miscellaneous - 2004

Area man Todd Campbell has stunned the nation by developing a unique talent: he claims that he can take ordinary food and turn it into poop.

At a press conference yesterday, Campbell expressed great pride in his ability. "It's not just a trick I picked up. In fact, I've been practicing this almost every day for my whole life. I don't even remember my first time, that's how young I was."

Campbell's neighbor Vicky Kleinerman was shocked to learn of Campbell's talent. "He seems like such an ordinary guy. But now I find out that all this time, he's been turning food into poop. He's like Rumplestiltskin turning straw into gold – brown, stinky, dirty gold."

Most passersby, however, were skeptical about Campbell's alleged ability. "Campbell's alleged ability? I'm skeptical," mused passerby Pierre Blanc. Blanc continued, "Doesn't it strike you as a little odd that nobody has ever witnessed Campbell's talent? Gee, I guess he locks himself in a tiny windowless room every time he does it. Yeah, right."

The medical community is equally mystified by Campbell. "It's hard to comprehend how that could be possible," said Dr. Lyn McCord. "But based on our best medical understanding, my colleagues and I believe that he has invisible demons, or possibly pixie-dust, in his gastrointestinal tract."

Nancy Wei, a poop industry spokeswoman, was especially dubious. "Everyone knows that the only way to produce poop is with an eight-figure capital investment. Campbell is full of shit."

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