Michael Moore Abandons Hunger Strike After Forty-Five Minutes

Michael Moore reaches for a nearby buffalo

Miscellaneous - 2006

A planned hunger strike by activist filmmaker Michael Moore outside President George W. Bush's Texas ranch came to an abrupt end after just forty-five minutes yesterday. Although most hunger strikes last several days, Mr. Moore's camp appeared elated by the result in a press conference conducted a few hours after the event.

"The incredible act of physical endurance displayed by Mr. Moore earlier this afternoon should send a clear message to the President," stated Moore spokesman Dustin Miller. "In fact, today's demonstration far exceeds even his famous 2003 hunger strike outside the White House," in which the Bowling for Columbine director fasted for 23 minutes before consuming a bucket of fried chicken and his personal assistant.

Privately, however, Moore staffers admitted disappointment that the author of Dude, Where's My country? and Stupid White Men had once again failed to go more than an hour without eating.

"We took several precautions this time, including clearing the area of human life and chaining Mike toan eight-ton cement mixer," confided a member of Moore's staff, who requested anonymity. "After about 40 minutes, though, he unleashed this inhuman scream, snapped his chains, and devoured a nearby police horse."

While Miller refused to comment on Moore's whereabouts, several sources have confirmed that the obese liberal is in critical but stable condition at a local hospital, recovering from massive internal trauma sustained upon eating the entire horse in a matter of minutes. Nevertheless, Moore is reportedly in high spirits and looking forward to his next protest, a "March on Washington" that is expected to span nearly fifty feet.

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