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America, England Agree to Drive in Middle Ahmadenijad Just Debating Anyone These Days Freshman Wears Lanyard Despite Having Nothing to Hang from It Red Bull found in Red China Shop Ralph Nader Runs Against Area Man for PTA McCain: "Sorry, I was around when blackberry fruits were invented." From The Archives
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50,000th Member Joins “Save Darfur” Facebook Group
Miscellaneous - 2008 In a shocking occurrence, the 50,000th member has joined the “Save Darfur” Facebook group, causing activists everywhere to rejoice that Darfur is now saved. Aaron Pace, founder of one of the many Save Darfur Facebook groups, has repeatedly stated that if over 50,000 members should join, the militia leaders of the Janjaweed will cease violence in Sudan and stop the genocide. “I’m sort of a Facebook whore,” reports Sheikh Musa Hilal, the Janjaweed coordinator. “Usually I refresh the ‘Save Darfur’ groups and there aren’t enough members. But today my newsfeed told me that Daniel ‘Slops’ Goldstein had joined the group.” Reporters’ knowledge was confirmed upon discovery that Hilal’s Facebook status was “Sheikh is pissed to stop the genocide, fuckmylifeee”. Fortunately, reporters were able to get ahold of the hero who has stopped the violence and saved thousands of lives. Daniel “Slops” Goldstein, 16, had just joined the Solomon Schecter Jewish Day school network days before, not realizing the impact his simple Facebook actions could have on the world. “I love Saving Darfur,” Goldstein gleamed, basking in the light beaming down on him from God and the reflections from his orthodonture. “Every time I wear my Save Darfur T-shirt, or use my limited edition Save Darfur tea party set, Darfur is saved over and over again.” Questioned about his future, Goldstein told reporters that he planned to use this experience as a way to further cultivate his passion for community service and altruism. He also mentioned plans to include it in the “Activities” section of his Harvard undergraduate application. Others were not so thrilled about the stop of Sudan’s genocide. Entrepreneur Jim Johnson, 38, had plans to open a “Save Darfur” theme park starting this December, just in time for the holiday season. The park was to include hallmark rides such as the “Gen-o-slide,” the “Suds-aneese,” a soapy water park geared towards young humanitarians, and the park’s landmark roller coaster, the “Janjawheeeee.”
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